The video was my idea. Jamie didn't exploit me or coerce me or anything like that.

Although this was a while ago, I grew up around a lot of people who were bulimic. Well not just bulimic, but had a lot of various issues with self hatred that were expressed in a million various ways, including cutting and drug use. Although I still encounter all various sorts of self-loathing, perhaps because bulimia was the most visible, prevalent, and even normalized form of self-destruction at a very impressionable age, I will always think of it as a major form of self-hatred. There is also something very physically torturous and viscerally disturbing (aka gross!) about the act of vomiting that strikes my fancy, I guess.

I remember one night that one of my friends was completely fucked up on a few different drugs. Then she went through the pantry and fridge eating all kinds of shit. She'd then throw it up, eat more, throw up, eat more throw up. After a couple of hours of this, I told her that she was fucking stupid and dumb and left. I never saw her again, but found out she died a couple years later from overdose. I felt stupid and dumb for calling her pain stupid and dumb.

So yes, me vomiting my brains out on video was gross as hell and it made me feel like shit afterward. Those tears and the "what the fuck is going on" look is sincere. But just because I look like shit does not mean that I didn't have a choice in doing that.

I don't know why so many people are assuming that I didn't have any agency in making of this video. I guess because I'm a young Asian female? Or perhaps some people don't understand that one can voluntarily choose to hurt themselves physically. Maybe some think it's just so stupid and dumb that one had to have been forced to do it?

I apologize for the rambling, but I guess I'm just trying to say, please don't attack Jamie for anything. It was my idea and I chose with full agency, undrugged, uncoerced, to do it. Also, I guess I am trying to explain a little bit why such a gross and stupid act is my way of showing self-hatred -- but then again, when is an act of self-hatred ever not gross and stupid?


oxoxoxox
please direct personal attacks, reproaches, unfounded racists/sexist comments, exclamations of outrage to xiuxiuangela@gmail.com

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/thereporters/willgompertz/2010/02/40_wild_birds_play_a_gibson_le.html

 

 

hi
if you ordered a xiu xiu for life blood shirt
it occurred to me that we did not ask for a size
please email
xiuxiuforlife@gmail.com
in the next 48 hours with you name and size

if we don't hear from you then you will get a an adult small or medium

thank you!!!!!

 

aloha
the 3rd single from the new xiu xiu record
Dear God, I Hate Myself
is out on itunes today it is called
This Too Shall Pass Away (for Freddy)
crouched in a thicket of bamboo, it will spring upon you!

 

hi
90% of people want and i quote
"shirts for everyone!!!!"
so more life draining effort on our part but we are
fucking weird ass perverts so it is ok
however
there are 46 total that were available and
again thank you so much but
in the three minutes that it was up
we got 54 pay pal orders in-
so a few people who paid will be getting their money back
and an apology from us.
if you end up being someone whose order is not able to be fulfilled,
please look for a small thank you gift in the mail.
again thank you so much
this is something that joe, angela and i worked on together to make and it was
incredibly satisfying and doleful.

 

sorry i am not so great at the interbot and

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaG-OW7x8vw

 

Jocelyn Hobbie

 

one time when i was going through a break up talk, he got out his bb gun and started shooting the wall of the kitchen with it. he also started shooting bbs into my cup of coffee until the cup cracked. we didn't say anything for about 10 mins while he just kept shooting his gun. then i asked him if he had anything to say, he said nothing. i drank the last of my coffee, spat out the bbs into his cup, then left.

another time with someone else, i was staying in his apartment with a friend while he was at his mom's house. after we broke up on the phone, i got bags and bags of balloons and bottles of wine. all night my friend and i drank wine and blew up hundreds of balloons to fill his apt. in the morning, i put his apt keys into one of the balloons and we left.

then there was the time that i said i love you, and she said she loved me too but had to go back to her long-time partner. i felt like shit for more than one reason.
also, that one time that my boyfriend cheated on me multiple times and then asked for an open poly-amorous relationship, the girl that he slept with dropped off flowers and a hand-made card at my place. that was confusing, and i still felt like shit.

last time, i changed out of my clothes and put on his clothes, jeans, shirt, sweater, socks, underwear, beanie before i left.

i'm still not quite sure if i'm doing this right, but i'm pretty sure i'm getting better at it.